I do have to tell you, the past few days I’ve had to really fight for this process and I’ve wanted to give up many times. There have been some things….things. I can’t go into detail, but my deepest prayer and desire is that people out there are reading and it’s touching someone…..
When I left off, I was telling you about the process of finding Taz a doctor to evaluate him. Every place I called had a 8 month to 1 year waiting list! This really discouraged me at the time, but looing back I can see how God had his hand in this. The old me would have thrown fits and tried to control every aspect of this process. I’m so glad I was in a place where I could feel God moving and I could hear Him saying, “Be still…..Be still….Be stil….”. I had to trust that there was a reason it was taking so long to have him evaluated. I just had to.
It was hard. Every day I woke up wondering what was going on with my son. I kept feeling a tug to surrender it all to Him every day, sometimes many times a day. I also wondered what was happening to my husband inside. I saw him drift away from church, from God. He stopped going all together at one point. I was dying of hurt inside. I felt like John Taylor was dying inside too, but for different reasons. I can’t be sure, but I assumed he was dying because of the circumstances — still no job, financial hard times, our son. I was starting to see there was a BIG reason for our circumstances. I knew that God had him home with us during that time for a reason! Perhaps it was because his son needed him more than ever. I longed for John Taylor to see that, for it to all make sense to him and be revealed to him.
The thing is, nothing makes sense to us in the moment, especailly when it’s God we should be drawer closer to in that moment but we’re not. Instead we’re trying to control it ourselves. We can sometimes look back and see why God had us there and sometimes we don’t ever see and won’t see until we get to Heaven. I was finally getting to a place where I could see….maybe not the whole picture, but enough of it to trust.
On my 30th birthday, March 30th 2011, I redeadicated my life to Christ. I was sitting in my closet. I had just prayed over John Taylor’s shoes. I prayed for God to guide his steps. I can’t even describe to you the hurt I was feeling inside. All I could think/pray about was our son and John Taylor was about to go on a weekend trip full of fun. I just didn’t get it. I needed him. Taz needed him. God wanted him. I prayed over his shoes and then couldn’t help but cry. There on the closet floor I surrendered it all. I got flat on my face and told God I no longer wanted any of the burdens I was carrying —- my son, my husband, my daughter, my marriage — HE could have them ALL. I opened my hands to Him and cried out to Him like never before. I honestly didn’t believe in that moment that what I was doing would change much in our lives. But, I was hitting rock bottom and had absolutely nowhere else to turn. I could no longer do it alone. I was turning 30 and I refused and I knew there had to be a better way. I felt God calling me home like never before. I realized in that moment that I had turned away from Him.
I wish I could say that’s the best part of this story, and it is a miracle, but it only gets better!